Zoo magazine once again demonstrate their quality editorial values.

TV ‘hard man’ Danny Dyer has spoken of facing his ‘hardest challenge yet’, as it was announced that he is to become patron of support helpline The Samaritans.

Dyer, 33, was offered the role by the charity in honour of his lifelong commitment to relationship counselling. A spokesman for Samaritans said, “we have been very impressed with Danny’s sensitivity and tact in difficult situations, and especially with his sterling work as Agony Twat for Zoo magazine. His suggestion to one correspondent that he cut his ex-girlfriend ’so nobody else would want her’ is a perfect example of the empathy we require of Samaritans volunteers.”

Mr Dyer’s agent said that Dyer was delighted to accept the position of Patron, and would be volunteering regularly to man phone lines for the charity. He added, “It’s his hardest challenge yet,but Danny believes sincerely in the caring work of Samaritans and will be doing all he can to help in his inimitable style. After all, there’s nobody so suicidal that they won’t feel better after getting on the booze and smashing anything that moves.”

Mr Dyer himself was unavailable for comment, as he’d cut his finger on Zoo magazine and was getting his mummy to put a plaster on it.

Ricky Gervais, with standard conceited expression.

It was almost perfect. Almost.

Glorious Spanish sunshine. 35 degrees. A beautifully-appointed apartment with everything thought of, from iPod dock to Nespresso machine, and a peaceful pool – all far enough away from the Little Britain of Marbella for me to forget I was on the Costa Del Sol.

We even managed to get through the mandatory sales pitch (a requirement for the stupidly-cheap short break we’d wangled) without the rep suffering serious or long-term injuries.

It was, quite simply, glorious.

Even our return seemed blessed – instead of the expected Sleazyjet transport, where comfort is not on the options list, we were treated to the leather upholstery and vast legroom of a chartered TitanAir 757. All was looking good. Until they started the in-flight movie.

It was Ricky Gervais, ’starring’ in ‘The Invention of Lying’.

Thankfully, I couldn’t hear it (I wasn’t going to pay £3 for a set of earphones to hear his whiny, adenoidal Estuary-speak). It was bad enough enduring two hours of his face on-screen every time I looked up from my book.

Ricky Gervais brings out in me an immediate and irrational rage normally reserved solely for Labour politicians. I find it nigh-on impossible to discern why this lumpen cretin with his stupid piggy eyes and his stupid pointy teeth and his stupid permanently conceited expression should be such a darling of TV and movies, both here and in Hollywood. The only reasoning would seem to be his unutterable arrogance – he seems to expect that he should be a star, and somehow his simple expectation has been sufficient to make him so despite his being about as attractive as bowel disease and as talented as a sedated halibut.

There’s only one film I would like to be made starring Ricky Gervais. It’s the home movie where he’s nailed to a chair and then beaten repeatedly in the face with a sharpened spade. And then set on fire.

If anyone would like a full synopsis or the DVD rights, let me know.

Ricky Gervais. Twat.

Sheerman: Anti-bike Twat.

I haven’t done a TOTW for a short while, as the runaway weekly winners have been Colostomy Brown and Eyebrows Darling, with absolutely no question.

But this week, surprisingly, it’s someone different. Unsurprisingly, however, it’s yet another Labour Member*.

Barry Sheerman MP has decided, apparently, that motorcyclists are the spawns of Satan and our choice of transportation is “disgraceful in a civilised society.”

In a typically Labour attack of dishonesty, he tosses in a dash of inaccurate figures and, in a spasm of textual twattishness, describes those of us who use two wheels as ‘widow-makers and orphan-makers’.

Hmmm. Really?

In 2007 there were 2946 deaths on British roads. 49% of those were in cars, 20% motorcyclists. So that’s 1,444 deaths chalked up to four wheels and 589 to two. So the true widowmakers and orphan-makers are, by almost three to one, those who irresponsibly and with malice aforethought, drive cars.

in the same year, 646 pedestrians** were killed in road accidents. Therefore, the widowmakers and orphan-makers are those who dangerously, and without care and thought, walk on British streets.

Oh, and just as an additional point, he claims that 650 bikers die per year and that the number is rising, when in fact 589 lost their lives in 2007 and 493 in 2008 – which is a drop of almost 20 per cent. Labour’s statistical massaging strikes again…

Actually, I would say the truest widowmakers and orphan-makers are those who voted, strongly, to send British troops into action in Iraq.

You know what’s really disgraceful in a civilised society? Preaching, money-grubbing political sluts spouting their personal opinions, twisting facts to the point of surreality and dishonesty, and shoving their own personal agendas up our noses in a desperate and nauseating attempt to garner publicity and deprive the long-suffering population of their few remaining pleasures.

Barry Sheerman doesn’t like bikes, and uses his Parliamentary pulpit to voice his distaste. Maybe his mum wouldn’t let him have a moped when he was a kid – I really couldn’t give a flying fuck.

I have both car and motorcycle, and I love both. Especially bikes. And, like every biker, when I get on two wheels my safety is MY responsibility, not Westminster’s. And certainly not Mr Sheerman’s.

Yes, some people may crash. That may even be me at some point. Yes, some people may die. Again, that may even be me. But it is my choice to take and to manage that risk, and to take the precautions I deem appropriate to mitigate that risk.

So, Mr Sheerman, please do feel free to keep your personal opinions to yourself, lest you find yourself being used as a paddock stand. And subsequently set on fire. Go back to what you’re really good at – which would appear to be troughing taxpayers money – and keep your socialist snout out of people’s personal choice of transportation and pleasure.

Twat.

* A complete member.

** 646 pedestrians. 646 MPs. Sadly, the two aren’t connected.

The latest series of opinion polls released today show a serious hit for the popularity of opinion polls, with support for opinion polls down 7% on the series of opinion polls taken just over 90 seconds earlier.

In a joint series of polls conducted, as always, by ICM, MORI and YouGov, the pollsters polled a random selection of 3000 voters, with the results weighted by how often they had been called by pollsters for their opinions in the previous 48 hours.

Support for opinion polls, previously polled at an average of 43% across the pollsters, polled at 37% in the three polls polled at 2200 last night, a change of 7% on average in the polls as against the previous polling polled at 2158.

There was a significant increase to 55% in support for, “fuck off and stop fucking polling me”, which could be indicative of a drop in support for polls when combined with the prior polling information and the polled drop in support for polls weighted against the polls from 14 minutes ago.

Pundits have predicted that polling will indicate a poll drop for “alright, I’ll answer your questions if you’ll promise never to phone me again” as a result of the poll results, however the current polls seem to indicate an increase in support for reduced polling so that the polling figures actually make sense rather than blur into one single endless, eternal and pointless poll for polling’s sake.

However, pollsters have urged pundits not to draw conclusions from the polling, but added that the latest ComRes and Angus Reid polls for the period 0925-0930 today would draw a clearer picture of support for polling in the polls.

Brown: “Give me your dinner money, or I’ll give you a Chinese Burn”

A member of Prime Minister Gordon ‘Colostomy’ Brown’s senior circle has broken ranks this morning to confirm recent allegations that the Prime Minister has bullied members of staff.

The shock revelations came in the wake of a television interview with the PM where he denied hitting anyone, and further denials made by Minister for Machiavellian Machinations Lord Fondlebum of Fey.

Lord Fondlebum said, “these allegations are unfounded, ridiculous and totally untrue, darling. The Prime Minister’s a lovely, kind soul who has never struck anyone in his life – why would he have henchmen like Damian McBride and Johnny Prescott and hit people himself? It’s a silly thought.”

However, the vehement denials have been undermined by a source close to the PM, who has confirmed that frequent acts of bullying DID take place.

The source, who did not want to be named and was identified only as ‘A.D.’, spoke exclusively to The Diary about his experiences with the PM, who he described as ‘brutal’.

AD said, “the abuse started in June 2007, when I took a senior post close to Gordon. At first it started small – the odd derogatory remark about my eyebrows appearance – and I took it as ribbing. But as time went on his temper just got worse and worse. He would fly off the handle for the smallest thing, shouting and swearing, calling me vile names and throwing whatever came to hand. He’d get so angry that sometimes he’d lose bladder control, which just made him even more irate. On one occasion, after I’d been caught out over a tax announcement, he beat me with my Red Box until I was cowering, sobbing, in the corner of the Cabinet Office. It was awful.”

Asked why he had not come forward or escaped the environment earlier, AD said, “he made it clear that our futures depended on him, and as we’d all followed him up after he’d forced Blair to resign with a vicious Chinese Burn we knew he was right. Plus he said it was all our fault – if we just lived up to his standards and expectations, he wouldn’t have to get angry with us. He said he only does it because he loves us.”

Lord Fondlebum’s denials were further undermined by the National Bullying Helpline, who went public to say that several calls had been made to the helpline in recent years. Christine Pratt, of the NBH, said that she had been motivated to come forward because, “people are being bullied not just into calling us, but also into silence. Plus, Brown and Fondlebum are lying gits.”

h/t Brennig Jones for the original link.

‘Colostomy’ Brown: “The Tories are scary. Honest. Can I have another go?”

Prime Minister Gordon ‘Colostomy’ Brown has attacked the Conservatives as ’scary’ and insisted that the Labour Party is the party of growth, addressing European leaders today.

In a speech designed to provide early positioning ahead of Labour’s Election Campaign prelaunch, expected on Saturday, Mr Brown spoke passionately about the ‘reign of terror’ that would happen under a Tory Government, expected in May.

The PM said, “instead of admitting that the national debt is all the fault of eeeeeevil bankers and financiers, and nothing to do with me at all, the Right are not only trying to blame the Government for the crisis, but trying to deny people the comforting handout that State Control can give.”

Mr Brown added, “The Tories are trying to scare people into believing in a bleak and austere picture of the future, when in fact the first priority must be growth – growth which only a Labour Government can deliver.

“We have already started and growth can be seen in all areas of Britain. There is growth in unemployment, in the economically inactive, in the Retail Price Index and in the debt figures. Growth in borrowing, in CCTV monitoring, in money supply and the DNA Database. Growth in the public sector and in Quangos, growth in crime and, in Afghanistan, growth in the death toll. The Labour Party is the Party of Growth.”

To rapturous disinterest from the assembled leaders, Mr Brown continued with his theme, insisting, “The Tories are a scary party. I mean, look at Michael Howard. Or rather, don’t look at him, well, not straight in the eyes anyway. Use a mirror – only you can’t, because it doesn’t show his reflection. And they’ll cut taxes, which is bad, and. . and. . George Osborne comes from Eton which is scary and The Tories are all axe murderers and they eat babies and stuff. Honest. Can I have another five years?”, before wetting himself and having to be taken for a lie-down by Harriet Harman.

However, Mr Brown’s speech has met with a lukewarm reception outside the corridors of power. An unofficial opinion poll conducted on behalf of The Diary in response to the speech showed that 84% of the Electorate thought that the country being run by a wonky-eyed, slack-jawed Scottish halfwit is a hell of a lot more scary than David Cameron’s forehead, and that the only thing currently growing in this country is Gordon Brown’s need for stronger medication.

Virgin Trains’ ‘Winterton Carriage’ will be available to all Members of Parliament.

Virgin Trains have announced that they are adding carriages to some of their services to improve passenger comfort.

The announcement comes in the wake of soon-to-be-ex MP Nicholas Winterton’s assertion that Members of Parliament were entitled to First Class rail travel because there were ‘a totally different class of people‘ in Standard Class.

Responding to Mr Winterton’s comments, a spokesman for Virgin Trains said, “Mr Winterton is absolutely right that there is a different class of people in Standard Class. That is, the people in standard class aren’t conceited, pompous morons with an over-inflated belief in their own importance, a sense of entitlement to special treatment and a penchant for spending other people’s money.

“However, in response to a vast number of requests from Standard Class passengers, we are adding a new ‘Winterton Carriage’ to our Virgin Mainline trains between London and Macclesfield. The carriage will be placed at the rear of the train and in deference to Mr Winterton’s status, position and beliefs will be the same carriage used on freight services for carrying pigs. Any other Members of Parliament wishing to travel on Virgin Trains will, of course, receive an upgrade to a Winterton Carriage upon request if they do not wish to travel with real people.”

Virgin Trains passengers have welcomed the news of the Winterton Carriage. One commuter, who preferred not to be named, said it was excellent news that travellers wouldn’t ‘have to share our seating space with a venal pig’.

A group of right-of-centre bloggers have today announced that they are withdrawing their support for the Conservatives, and are to put their support behind the Labour Party and PM Gordon ‘Colostomy’ Brown.

Speaking at a joint news conference, bloggers Iain Dale, ‘Tory Bear‘ and ‘Dungeekin‘ stated that they were changing their allegiance in response to the ‘profound and meaningful campaign tactics’ of Labour Minister David Wright MP.

Dale, who had formerly intended to stand as a Conservative Party candidate, confirmed that he had submitted a membership application to the Labour Party and added, “David Wright’s description of the Conservatives as ’scum-sucking pigs’ was so. . . so . . deep. It touched a nerve deep inside me, appealing to all that I believe to be good and worthy about political debate. I now know that Gordon is The Saviour of the World, and will devote the remainder of my life to ensuring a Glorious Socialist Future.”

His words were seconded by ‘Tory Bear’, who said, “David Wright has shown me the error of my ways. I realise now that the ‘I’ve Never Voted Tory‘ campaign by the Conservatives is an example of the nasty party’s dirty campaign methods, forcing voters to look at the issues instead of noting how emotional Gordon can be on-camera with Piers Morgan. With debaters like David Wright MP in the Labour Party, I know now that I was foolish to think that the Tories were the party of the future. How can I have been so blind?”

Satirical blogger ‘Dungeekin’, who had previously made disparaging comments concerning the Labour Party, confirmed that he is to re-edit all his articles to say nasty things about David Cameron instead. He also said, “Seeing David Wright’s erudition was my Damascene moment, and I am now totally converted. I am bowled over by the inherent kindness and gentleness of the Labour Party’s Twitter-based campaigning, and hereby bestow all my worldly goods upon Gordon in abject obeisance at his majesty.”

Other right-of centre Bloggers are expected to follow Dale, Tory Bear and Dungeekin ‘across the floor’ in the next few days, as the full impact and sagacity of Wright’s ejaculation spread throughout the political blogosphere.

David Wright MP was unavailable for comment, as he was working with his Special Advisers to produce a further 140 characters of profundity, genius, kindness and wit.

An evil middle-class grandparent.

Grandparents are to face new licensing, checking and contact procedures as part of new regulations on child protection, it has been announced today.

The news follows reports that children who regularly spent time with their grandparents were three times more likely to be overweight, and describes grandparents as ‘a dangerous influence’ on the growth and development of regulation children’.

Under the new rules, grandparents who wish to spend time with their grandchildren will be required to complete a three-week course in Government-Approved In-Loco-Parenting, submit to an extended CRB check and will only be allowed to associate with the offspring of their offspring in specially-sanctioned areas under CCTV and Social Services supervision.

Minister for Fucking Up Families Ed Balls said, “our evidence shows that middle-class children who spend significant time with grandparents have a 15% chance of being overweight for their age, sometimes by as much as 200g. Indications are that this is caused by their habit of occasionally allowing children to have sweets. This is tantamount to child abuse.

“All children should grow up according to Government guidelines, Government height and weight statistics, Government-recommended diets and Government education. Any deviance from this is not down to genetics, but due to the fact that parents and grandparents cannot be trusted to breed to Government standards. This must be stopped.”

The Minister pointed out that current legislation and Government education policies had largely ruled out the influence of biological parents on the raising of children. However, he added that the ‘pernicious influence’ of caring grandparents was a ‘threat to Government child-raising that could not be ignored’.

Mr Balls pointed out that the new rules on grand-parenting would only be temporary, and would be withdrawn once the concept of parenting was completely revoked with the introduction of Hatcheries and Conditioning Centres.

Aldous Huxley was unavailable for comment.

My thesaurus is going to get a serious workout here.

Cynical. Loathsome. Detestable. Vile. Despicable. Disgraceful. Nauseating. Abhorrent. Reprehensible.

I haven’t really been angry about the political machinations of ‘Colostomy’ Brown for a while – there’s a General Election coming and I’ve sustained myself with the dream that this incompetent buffoon will be ejected from the office he doesn’t deserve and cast into the political wasteland he so richly does.

But this…this…THIS repellent display has brought the rage back in glorious Technicolor.

Firstly, allow me to quote something:

Clearly after his lachrymose performance with the almost-as-odious Piers Morgan, the above only applies if the child in question is alive.

To lose a child is a heart-rending tragedy that I wouldn’t wish on any person, no matter what colour their rosette or how contemptible a human they are.

To USE that loss, though, in a carefully-timed and packaged interview in the run-up to a General Election – the sort of person who would do such a thing is not even contemptible. And not even human. To decide and agree to do such an interview proves that Gordon Brown has only one interest – to retain his grip on power, by any means, by any method.

You cannot tell me that this wasn’t carefully prepared. There is no way that the Cabinet Office and Brown’s spin-doctorate wouldn’t have gone through the questions list with a fine-tooth comb, ensuring that it portrayed Colostomy Brown in a sympathetic light. You cannot convince me that this wasn’t exquisitely planned, timed and leaked for a bounce in the opinion polls.

You will not convince the rest of the Electorate, either.

This is one of the most sickening, revolting pieces of political posturing I have ever, ever seen. I simply can’t find the words to express just how repugnant this is, and how contemptible a ‘man’ Brown has become in his desperate scrabble to maintain his position.

There’s only one word left that I can use.

Twat.