“I’m out of a job, like lots of people in this country at the moment – not that that’s anything to do with me at all, honest”, she told The Diary in a frank first interview since losing her Redditch seat to the Conservative candidate Karen Lumley.

The former Home Secretary, who lost her seat following the expenses scandal when it became clear that she’d claimed everything from porn to bathplugs on expenses, added, “it’s a real struggle, and it makes me comprehend what the people of the UK are going through. All I have to survive on is my resettlement payment, my Ministerial pension and the vast amounts of money I saved over the years by getting the Proles to pay for everything.

“It’s put stress on my marriage too. Poor Richard has been reduced to wanking over second-grade free porn sites now, instead of first-class taxpayer-funded filth. It’s hardly fair, when I did so much for this country.”

Ms Smith refused to rule out a return to politics at some time in the future, but said that she currently has no plans to remain in the political scene, instead choosing a career where she can use her ’skills and experience to best effect’.

The former Home Secretary said, “I’m considering my options, and with my history and record have a number of choices. There are negotiations ongoing for me to take on the role of Civil Liberties Minister in North Korea, and of course I’m waiting for my application to be considered to be a CCTV operator for Redditch Council.”

However, sources close to Ms Smith have said that her most likely next role, given her looks and abilities, is truffle-hunting for a Normandy farmer.

Creepy-crawly racing has not been seen in the UK since 1994, when a louse beat a dung-beetle and a horsefly in a one-sided contest. Races between loathsome creatures were subsequently banned, as it seemed the outcome tended to lead to damage to the country.

However, with the retirement of former champion gastropod Gordon Brown, Labour are to run a one-off Hurdles event later this year and have recently opened their entry lists.

The first runners for the 2010 Hopeless Case Steeplechase include two millipedes, both from the same stable though with different training approaches.

Betting pundit John McCririck said, “we’ve seen a lot of interest from the punters on the millipede entries. At the moment the smart money is on the older of the two – its recent diet of bananas should give it the legs in the long run. But don’t underestimate the other one either, it’s historically had plenty of energy and is a good outsider at a Burlington for a dark-horse win. Even though it’s a millipede, not a horse. Obviously.”

Other entrants are yet to declare, but there is some interest from the bookmakers on a female Black Widow, and an outside chance of a possible late-entrant leech, bred from a long-running stable of successful parasites.

However, there are still questions over the expected entry of Ed Balls to the race. While not technically a member of the animal kingdom, Balls is expected to enter the Hopeless Case Steeplechase on a technicality, in that he’s a spineless invertebrate that most people would like the chance to squash.

FOR SALE

One backbone.

One Scottish owner, never used, would suit TV political correspondent with swiftly-changing allegiance.

Quick sale required due to urgent house-clearance.

Also available: one pair unused testicles, one brain and a crash-damaged dignity. Could sell as a job-lot now I haven’t got a job.

Collection from Downing Street, London, probably by early next week.

So well done to Karen Lumley MP and her team, and celebrate the unlamented departure of Jacqboots Smith in song.

Officials have reported a flood of postal vote applications in marginal seats, with a total of 7 million registered postal voters of an estimated total electorate of 46 million. The Electoral Commission, which oversees the elections process, has warned that widespread postal voting is open to fraud.

In one occasion, a resident in one flat in Bethnall Green was surprised to learn that according to postal vote registrations, eight complete strangers were also living in the small flat she shares with her partner.

However, the concerns were dismissed by Justice Minister Laventiy Straw, who said, “these allegations are merely Tory propaganda to divert attention from the truth of the matter, which is the incredible level of popular support for the Labour Party. These so-called ‘phantom voters’ are nothing of the sort – they are simply people registering to vote and to show their support for the Party.”

Mr Straw insisted, “the voting system is completely fit for purpose – that purpose, of course, being to ensure that the Labour Party remains in power. We are sure of our support and certain of a victory at the polls.”

Surveys of the most marginal seats, where the election will be decided, have revealed a surge in postal voting. In the key marginals of Edinburgh South and Barnet, postal votes are up by 60 per cent, while Brighton has seen an increase of 40 per cent in voter registration.

Mr Straw insisted that the system would produce a ‘correct and fair outcome’, however, despite the allegations. He added that he expected a further surge in support for Labour on Election day, when he confidently predicted that the occupants of cemeteries and crematoria in marginal constituencies would also be rising from the dead to vote for Labour.

Robert Mugabe was unavailable for comment.

Well, he’s kept the nation in a nightmare since 1997, so I guess anything’s possible…

ConservativeHome also picked up the delusional lunacy of the PM , saying, “when Gordon Brown volunteers to identify himself with Don Quixote, there really is nothing left for satirists to do…”

Au contraire.