Sigh. The anarchy ends and a new government is formed

Celebrity Love Shock Split Triangle Shocker!

Back together again: and she’s brought him flowers.

The celebrity world was reeling in shock today following the announcement that Nicky ‘Jordan’ Clegg, who shot to fame when she came third in talent show ‘Britain’s Got Votes 2010′, sensationally dumped veteran boy-band frontman Gordo Brown just a day after publicly declaring their shared affection.

Sources close to Miss Clegg confirmed the acrimonious split this afternoon, and it is believed she is to rekindle her on/off relationship with method actor Davey ‘Faceman’ Cameron, who recently overcame poor reviews for his performances in Star Trek: DS9 to lead his cast to glory in the Westminster play ‘A Time For Change, Honest’.

The two had originally separated just 24 hours before, after the news broke that Miss Clegg had been having secret trysts with Gordo behind Davey’s back. It was widely expected that Nicky and Gordo were preparing a shock announcement of their engagement – however it now appears that Miss Clegg has returned to her original fiance.

A spokesman for Miss Clegg said, “I just couldn’t handle it. Gordo’s lovely, and when he makes his promises they really sound genuine. But marrying Gordo means marrying the rest of his band, and everyone knows it’s Pete that calls the shots. I’ve got to do what’s right for me, and if I want stardom I’m only going to find that with Davey.”

Gordo, whose boy-band Nu Layba shot to fame in 1997 before a disappointing set of performances led to their decline from popularity in the last decade, shrugged off Miss Clegg’s words, saying, “I binned HER, innit, coz she’s a slag and she’s like been with Tories and that. And she’s frigid.” He is reportedly being comforted by bandmates Pete and Ed at his London home.

Nu Layba are widely expected to announce their own split within the next few days.

Davey Cameron has stayed out of the public eye since the announcement was made by his girlfriend, however a close friend said that he was delighted Nicky has returned to him. The friend added, “Davey always knew she’d come back. There’s no way Gordo will ever get his Cleggover.”

PR guru Max Clifford was unavailable for comment, as he doesn’t want to have anything to do with the power-and-publicity-hungry bunch of vultures.

It’s LibCon That We Want

Given the ongoing mutual flirtation between Messrs Clegg and Cameron, there’s only one song that really does these negotiations justice. And it is:

NICKY
Tell me about it. . . Prime Minister!

DAVE
I got Bills,
Need ratifying,
Yet I’ve not got control,
But the seats that,
You’re supplyin’,
Could leave Labour cryin’!

NICKY
You better share power,
‘Cause I have the plan,
That gives Downing Street to you,
You better share power;
But you better understand,
Nothing but PR will do,

DAVE:
Got no choice, gotta push that reform through,

BOTH:
It’s LibCon that we want!
(LibCon is what we want), o,o, oo, honey.
It’s LibCon that we want!
(LibCon is what we want), o,o,oo, honey.
It’s LibCon that we want!
(LibCon is what we want), o,o, ooooo
It’s what we need,
A Majority!

NICKY:
If the General Election,
Left you shy of a mandate,
Then our collaboration,
Is your way,

DAVE:
I better share power,
‘Cause you have the plan,
NICKY
I have the plan,
Puts you on the winning side,
DAVE
I better share power,
if I’m gonna prove,
NICKY
you better prove,
that my faith is justified,

DAVE
If we share,

BOTH:
We’ll hang Gordon out to dry!

It’s LibCon that we want!
(LibCon is what we want), o,o, oo, honey.
It’s LibCon that we want!
(LibCon is what we want), o,o,oo, honey.
It’s LibCon that we want!
(LibCon is what we want), o,o, ooooo
It’s what we need,
A Majority!

Repeat Chorus until the Queen’s Speech…

General Election Results! How disappointing

So, as you probably know, the UK held a General Election on Thursday. It was the first election to be held since the recession began, the expenses scandal broke, and the economy went into meltdown, so it all promised to be rather dramatic.

Coverage of the election results started at 10pm on BBC1, and I decided to watch it in bed.

‘Blimey! how decadent.” I hear you cry. Yep, that’s me. Decadent Dickens.

There is something strangely addictive about election results…….watching mainly unknown MPs win or lose seats at the whim of the voters, and witnessing – live – the fabric of the political landscape being woven…… all terribly exciting.

Exciting or not, by 1am I couldn’t keep my eyes open, so I turned off the television and left the results to go on through the night.

When I awoke the next morning, it was with anticipation that I ran downstairs to check the results on the BBC website – I mean, we could have a whole new government!

‘So who won?’ I hear you cry impatiently.

Drum roll……. dah dahhhhh………………….. No one.

Yep, you read right. No one. And I know that as you look at the results below, it looks like the Conservatives won, but they didn’t. 

		Seats	Change	Vote %
	Conservative	306	+97	36.1
	Labour	258	-91	29.0
	Liberal Democrat	57	-5	23.0

The result was, as predicted, a hung parliament, which as you know, means that none of the parties would have enough of a majority to effectively pass laws whilst in power. This is because the two opposition parties could gang together and outnumber the ruling party, effectively blocking their ability to govern properly.

‘Bloody hell, what happens now?’ I hear you cry, ‘I mean you can’t have a country without any leader at all.’

You are absolutely right about that last point, and whilst I think a couple of months of anarchy would be good fun, I have to acknowledge that it probably wouldn’t be sustainable for the longer term.

So what does happen now? Well, this is where things get really screwy. Either Conservative or Labour (the parties who came first and second respectively), must form a coalition with the Liberal Democrats to achieve the majority of seats they need in parliament. 

But oddly, the law states that the current incumbent, Gordon Brown, has first bite at the cherry. So technically (if Labour and the Liberal Democrats do join forces), the UK could end up in a position whereby it is governed by the two parties who lost the election.

What the bloody hell is going on there then? I blinked and seemed to have missed democracy.

So as we speak, the news is telling of furtive talks going on between all three leaders, but as yet there is no real outcome, and Gordon Brown remains ensconsed in Downing Street……. he could end up as the only Prime Minister in history not to have been elected…….. twice. I shall keep you updated.

For Sale:

FOR SALE

One backbone.

One Scottish owner, never used, would suit TV political correspondent with swiftly-changing allegiance.

Quick sale required due to urgent house-clearance.

Also available: one pair unused testicles, one brain and a crash-damaged dignity. Could sell as a job-lot now I haven’t got a job.

Collection from Downing Street, London, probably by early next week.

The Start of Something New?

The dawn of collaborative politics?

Wow. What a day (and a half).

I’ve now been up for just over 36 hours, utterly unable overnight to take my eyes off a developing drama that rivalled anything TV writers could come up with. And now the evening is here, and whisky in hand it’s time to reflect.

And here we are. Hung Parliament, and the initial offers are on the table to Prince Nick the Kingmaker. And that’s what I want to talk about.

Firstly – I think credit is due to Nick Clegg. Despite a performance overnight that must have had his morale in his boots, he still had the integrity to stand by his original promise and offer the Party with the most seats first chance to negotiate for Lib Dem support.

Then we had Colostomy Brown’s response. It wasn’t statesmanlike. It put me in mind of a child, offering promises that will never be kept so they can stay up and watch the Dr Who special. “Pleeeeeeeeease, I’ll tidy my room EVERY day, promise, just let me have another half an hour” became, from the mouth of the former Prime Minister, “pleeeeeeeeease, I’ll give you a referendum, and discuss matters of mutual interest, I promise, just let me stay in No. 10.” It was undignified, rank with the stench of desperation and, when all is said and done, would never happen.

Don’t forget – and you can be sure that Nick Clegg and Vince Cable are well aware – if you make a deal with Gordon Brown, you’re actually signing yourself over to Peter Mandelson. Who really isn’t known for his integrity. And if Labour’s Manifesto promises aren’t subject to legitimate expecation, how could the Liberal Democrats – or anyone else – trust what they offer in the pit of despair and the frantic scrabble to keep hold of the levers of power?

Then, there’s David Cameron.

Cameron spoke from an odd position. He knew he could try for a minority Government, and made his knowledge of that obliquely clear, yet he chose to speak from a position of compromise. He spoke with knowledge of the Liberal Democrat positions, offered clear, detailed (and most importantly, televised) guarantees to some of those positions. He specified his own limit points, and offered a negotiation point on the key issue of electoral reform.

I personally think the final outcome of those negotiations will – should be – a Committee of Enquiry to establish the best method of voting reform, followed by a Referendum on the adoption of the voting method. Perhaps with a Conservative option to campaign against, just as a sop to those in the Conservatives so anti-PR.

I think that Clegg and Cameron have acted with dignity, maturity and the best interests of the country at heart – and having thought about it, I believe a negotiated Con-Lib collaboration could be good for both.

For the Conservatives, it is time to realise that the old two-party system is in its death throes, and people are tired of seeing large vote shares for minority parties result in small seat gains. Those in the Conservative party who refuse to acknowledge this – tough. Go and talk to Douglas Carswell, and realise FPTP is outmoded, outdated and needs to go.

A collaboration with the Liberal Democrats will allow the Conservatives to make a start on the rebuilding of society we so desperately need. Labour will fight us all the way. With the Lib Dems on board, we have more chance of making change happen.

Finally, transparent compromise politics with the Lib Dems will help dispel the last of the ‘nasty party’ smears which still reverberate around the Electorate. That’s why it’s good for the Tories.

For the Liberal Democrats, collaboration with the Tories will properly entrench multi-party politics. It will grant them a power they would not normally have under FPTP – the opportunity to drive through some of their own changes to rebuild society. And it will give them a chance to take electoral reform to the people, who can then decide. Those in the Lib-Dems screaming they’ll never work with the Tories – tough. You’re in the wrong party, go and join Labour.

Overall, it felt to me that today was the day that British politics perhaps began to grow up. A period of compromise, of good consensus law after years of three-line-whipped majority decisions, of shared aspiration for the country instead of ideological cant.

I’ve said before that I thought a strong majority was needed. Perhaps it is, but on reflection perhaps that majority need not come from a single party. I believe that what we’ve seen today could be the start of not just the nation’s regeneration, but of the political system.

I hope that politicians and activists of both parties will look closely at this, think objectively and with national interests at heart, and behave with the dignity and sense of compromise their Leaders have shown today.

And let’s go to work.

A Song For Gordon

Now all the voting’s done,
And for you the Election’s gone wrong,
Your chances of survival are none,
These are your final days,
And nobody now wants you to stay,
You’ve wrecked the country since your first day,
oh and we’re sick of you, we are sick of you,
Your thirteen years have buggered us all,
Now hear the Electorate caaaa-aaaaaa-aaaaall,

CHORUS
Gordon GO!
Listen and do what you’re told,
The people have spoken, you know,
You are contemptible,
Time you were leaving!

So just GO!
Get out and never return,
You simply have to learn,
You are contemptible,
Time you were leaving!

Now with your chances gone,
We’ve had enough of smearing and lying,
From you and all your partners in crime,
It’s only three years ago
That you took over Tony Blair’s place
And since that time you’ve been a disgrace,
We’ve had enough of you, had enough of you,
You’ve lost the right to govern at all,
Now hear the Electorate caaaa-aaaaaa-aaaaall,

Gordon GO!
Listen and do what you’re told,
The people have spoken, you know,
You are contemptible,
Time you were leaving!

So just GO!
Get out and never return,
You simply have to learn,
You are contemptible,
Time you were leaving!

You’ve lost the right to govern at all,
Now hear the Electorate caaaa-aaaaaa-aaaaall,

Gordon GO!
Listen and do what you’re told,
The people have spoken, you know,
You are contemptible,
Time you were leaving!

So just GO!
Get out and never return,
You simply have to learn,
You are contemptible,
Time you were leaving!

….Repeat chorus until you finally bugger off out of Downing Street….

#brownresign #concede

BREAKING: Nick Clegg Arrested

Clegg touts for trade.

Jacqui’s Gone

It’s a victory, joy we can’t contain,
Won’t be paying for her porn flicks again,
As she’s gone, gone, gone, gone, Jacqui’s gone,
And we don’t care, don’t care, don’t care,
Where she’s gone gone gone gone, Jacqui’s gone.

On Election night, Redditch got it right,
Kicked that trougher out to our great delight,
As she’s gone, gone, gone, gone, Jacqui’s gone,
And we don’t care, don’t care, don’t care,
Where she’s gone gone gone gone, Jacqui’s gone.

Ooh yes, she tried to claim for,
Every little thing that she could see,
Ooh, but now she’s voted out,
Now she has to face reality

On Election night, Redditch got it right,
Kicked that trougher out to our great delight,
As she’s gone, gone, gone, gone, Jacqui’s gone,
And we don’t care, don’t care, don’t care,
Where she’s gone gone gone gone, Jacqui’s gone.

It’s a victory, joy we can’t contain,
Won’t be paying for her porn flicks again,
As she’s gone, gone, gone, gone, Jacqui’s gone,
And we don’t care, don’t care, don’t care,
Where she’s gone gone gone gone, Jacqui’s gone.

Gone, gone, gone, gone, Jacqui’s gone,
And we don’t care, don’t care, don’t care,
Where she’s gone gone gone gone, Jacqui’s gone.

BREAKING: Police Called to Conservative HQ