Owners and breeders of dangerous teenagers would have to take out insurance against someone else being attacked, under Government proposals to tackle dangerous breeding.

Police and local councils could also get new powers to force the owners of the worst breeds to muzzle them or even get them neutered.

Ministers say that they are responding to public concern about vicious chavs being used in packs to intimidate or threaten people. There has also been a reported rise in levels of fighting and illegal breeding, particularly by gangs who are using their most dangerous sprogs as status symbols.

Home secretary Alan Johnson said, "the rise in the prevalance of aggressive, poorly-restrained and semi-feral chavs, especially in deprived urban areas, is a matter for concern. While police do their best to control the problem, the budget simply cannot run to sufficient Burberry clothing and Elizabeth Duke jewellery to placate the animals.

"Despite the fact that our legislation has largely removed the concept of 'responsible ownership', we feel that more legislation is necessary to force owners and breeders of chavs to take more care, and get these dangerous beasts off our streets."

Under the proposed rules, parents would be required to take out third-party insurance to cover and compensate for attacks on people or property carried out by the chav in their ownership. The Government is also to consult on mandatory spaying of all female chavs after their third litter, normally by the age of seventeen, as an extension to the Dangerous Dogs Act.

Male chavs would be subject to additional rules including neutering at the onset of puberty for the most dangerous breeds, and muzzling or gagging for all others when in public. Mr Johnson added that these measures would 'reduce the proliferation of these dangerous animals'.

The Government is to introduce new rules on the reporting of the war in Afghanistan during the General Election campaign, following a visit by Prime Minister Gordon Brown to the region.

Under the new rules, all reporting of the conflict is to be banned, and updates on the progress of the war will be provided in a daily radio broadcast by Stalin 'Colostomy' Brown, to ensure that news media do not provide 'defeatist' or negative impressions to the Electorate.

Speaking from his padded cell Cabinet Office, the PM said, "it is right that the British people get clear and correct information from teh Government on the conduct of the war. My appearance at the Chilcot Inquiry made it clear that the Armed Forces are, in fact, a divisive, negative and defeatist influence on the project, determined to project a negative impression that there may be fighting going on. This is, of course, not the case - our troops are on the front line giving Tax Credits to grateful Taliban, and it is right that I report the truth of the matter to the British people, as always.

"It is right that the British people fully understand that I, Gordon Brown, The Saviour of Afghanistan, have committed more money towards defence than any other leader in the history of the world, with a further eleventy-billion pounds in investment promised."

Mr Brown said that the Army were 'pursuing their own agenda', and said that the focus of front-line personnel on 'non-essentials' such as ammunition, body armour and not getting their bollocks blown off by IED's was 'utter nonsense in a modern military'. He added, "our investment in Bullet Quantity Targeting Co-Ordinators, LBGT Taliban Outreach Facilitators and Sand Temperature Monitors is under-reported, yet their statistics are reducing costs and succeeding in implementing a socially-fair war. This information is what the British electorate should be basing their decisions on."

The MoD has confirmed the Government's announcement, and added that all any personnel killed in action during the election campaign would not be repatriated, ensuring that the PM and Defence Secretary, 'Blakey' Ainsworth, can announce that their war of occupation hasn't killed anybody ever. A spokesman for the MoD said that though this was the first time, ever, that the British people would not be given information about a war in which British servicemen were losing their voices as well as their lives, it wasn't about a dishonest, lying, mendacious Government desperately attempting to control the information about a war most of the Electorate don't want. Honest.