It’s a Murdoch conspiracy!

When the Conservatives have the most seats tomorrow, overall majority or not, it will apparently all be the fault of Murdoch.

Yep. Murdoch wrote the Dodgy Dossier and sent our troops to war on a lie. Murdoch sold the gold at bargain-basement prices. Murdoch personally introduced over 30 new offences per month. Murdoch raided pension funds in a way even Robert Maxwell couldn’t have dreamed of. Murdoch presided over the institution of a benefits culture so endemic that over eight million people are now ‘economically inactive’. Murdoch installed 1 CCTV camera for every 14 citizens, and defied court decisions in a desperate, Stalinist attempt to get everyone he could on a DNA database. Murdoch arrested a serving Member of the Opposition for holding the Government to account. Murdoch probably arranged the volcanic ash so Saint Tone couldn’t get back to campaign.

Murdoch my arse.

Were those currently bleating about the horrors of the ‘Murdoch Media’ screaming when the Sun endorsed Labour from 1997 onward? I think not.

Murdoch is simply the latest and, thankfully, last limp excuse from a ‘movement’ that even in its last dying hours cannot admit that its own actions have led to its demise.

Dyer, 33, was offered the role by the charity in honour of his lifelong commitment to relationship counselling. A spokesman for Samaritans said, “we have been very impressed with Danny’s sensitivity and tact in difficult situations, and especially with his sterling work as Agony Twat for Zoo magazine. His suggestion to one correspondent that he cut his ex-girlfriend ’so nobody else would want her’ is a perfect example of the empathy we require of Samaritans volunteers.”

Mr Dyer’s agent said that Dyer was delighted to accept the position of Patron, and would be volunteering regularly to man phone lines for the charity. He added, “It’s his hardest challenge yet,but Danny believes sincerely in the caring work of Samaritans and will be doing all he can to help in his inimitable style. After all, there’s nobody so suicidal that they won’t feel better after getting on the booze and smashing anything that moves.”

Mr Dyer himself was unavailable for comment, as he’d cut his finger on Zoo magazine and was getting his mummy to put a plaster on it.

Glorious Spanish sunshine. 35 degrees. A beautifully-appointed apartment with everything thought of, from iPod dock to Nespresso machine, and a peaceful pool – all far enough away from the Little Britain of Marbella for me to forget I was on the Costa Del Sol.

We even managed to get through the mandatory sales pitch (a requirement for the stupidly-cheap short break we’d wangled) without the rep suffering serious or long-term injuries.

It was, quite simply, glorious.

Even our return seemed blessed – instead of the expected Sleazyjet transport, where comfort is not on the options list, we were treated to the leather upholstery and vast legroom of a chartered TitanAir 757. All was looking good. Until they started the in-flight movie.

It was Ricky Gervais, ’starring’ in ‘The Invention of Lying’.

Thankfully, I couldn’t hear it (I wasn’t going to pay £3 for a set of earphones to hear his whiny, adenoidal Estuary-speak). It was bad enough enduring two hours of his face on-screen every time I looked up from my book.

Ricky Gervais brings out in me an immediate and irrational rage normally reserved solely for Labour politicians. I find it nigh-on impossible to discern why this lumpen cretin with his stupid piggy eyes and his stupid pointy teeth and his stupid permanently conceited expression should be such a darling of TV and movies, both here and in Hollywood. The only reasoning would seem to be his unutterable arrogance – he seems to expect that he should be a star, and somehow his simple expectation has been sufficient to make him so despite his being about as attractive as bowel disease and as talented as a sedated halibut.

There’s only one film I would like to be made starring Ricky Gervais. It’s the home movie where he’s nailed to a chair and then beaten repeatedly in the face with a sharpened spade. And then set on fire.

If anyone would like a full synopsis or the DVD rights, let me know.

Ricky Gervais. Twat.

Officials have reported a flood of postal vote applications in marginal seats, with a total of 7 million registered postal voters of an estimated total electorate of 46 million. The Electoral Commission, which oversees the elections process, has warned that widespread postal voting is open to fraud.

In one occasion, a resident in one flat in Bethnall Green was surprised to learn that according to postal vote registrations, eight complete strangers were also living in the small flat she shares with her partner.

However, the concerns were dismissed by Justice Minister Laventiy Straw, who said, “these allegations are merely Tory propaganda to divert attention from the truth of the matter, which is the incredible level of popular support for the Labour Party. These so-called ‘phantom voters’ are nothing of the sort – they are simply people registering to vote and to show their support for the Party.”

Mr Straw insisted, “the voting system is completely fit for purpose – that purpose, of course, being to ensure that the Labour Party remains in power. We are sure of our support and certain of a victory at the polls.”

Surveys of the most marginal seats, where the election will be decided, have revealed a surge in postal voting. In the key marginals of Edinburgh South and Barnet, postal votes are up by 60 per cent, while Brighton has seen an increase of 40 per cent in voter registration.

Mr Straw insisted that the system would produce a ‘correct and fair outcome’, however, despite the allegations. He added that he expected a further surge in support for Labour on Election day, when he confidently predicted that the occupants of cemeteries and crematoria in marginal constituencies would also be rising from the dead to vote for Labour.

Robert Mugabe was unavailable for comment.