Police and local councils could also get new powers to force the owners of the worst breeds to muzzle them or even get them neutered.

Ministers say that they are responding to public concern about vicious chavs being used in packs to intimidate or threaten people. There has also been a reported rise in levels of fighting and illegal breeding, particularly by gangs who are using their most dangerous sprogs as status symbols.

Home secretary Alan Johnson said, “the rise in the prevalance of aggressive, poorly-restrained and semi-feral chavs, especially in deprived urban areas, is a matter for concern. While police do their best to control the problem, the budget simply cannot run to sufficient Burberry clothing and Elizabeth Duke jewellery to placate the animals.

“Despite the fact that our legislation has largely removed the concept of ‘responsible ownership’, we feel that more legislation is necessary to force owners and breeders of chavs to take more care, and get these dangerous beasts off our streets.”

Under the proposed rules, parents would be required to take out third-party insurance to cover and compensate for attacks on people or property carried out by the chav in their ownership. The Government is also to consult on mandatory spaying of all female chavs after their third litter, normally by the age of seventeen, as an extension to the Dangerous Dogs Act.

Male chavs would be subject to additional rules including neutering at the onset of puberty for the most dangerous breeds, and muzzling or gagging for all others when in public. Mr Johnson added that these measures would ‘reduce the proliferation of these dangerous animals’.

Under the new rules, all reporting of the conflict is to be banned, and updates on the progress of the war will be provided in a daily radio broadcast by Stalin ‘Colostomy’ Brown, to ensure that news media do not provide ‘defeatist’ or negative impressions to the Electorate.

Speaking from his padded cell Cabinet Office, the PM said, “it is right that the British people get clear and correct information from teh Government on the conduct of the war. My appearance at the Chilcot Inquiry made it clear that the Armed Forces are, in fact, a divisive, negative and defeatist influence on the project, determined to project a negative impression that there may be fighting going on. This is, of course, not the case – our troops are on the front line giving Tax Credits to grateful Taliban, and it is right that I report the truth of the matter to the British people, as always.

“It is right that the British people fully understand that I, Gordon Brown, The Saviour of Afghanistan, have committed more money towards defence than any other leader in the history of the world, with a further eleventy-billion pounds in investment promised.”

Mr Brown said that the Army were ‘pursuing their own agenda’, and said that the focus of front-line personnel on ‘non-essentials’ such as ammunition, body armour and not getting their bollocks blown off by IED’s was ‘utter nonsense in a modern military’. He added, “our investment in Bullet Quantity Targeting Co-Ordinators, LBGT Taliban Outreach Facilitators and Sand Temperature Monitors is under-reported, yet their statistics are reducing costs and succeeding in implementing a socially-fair war. This information is what the British electorate should be basing their decisions on.”

The MoD has confirmed the Government’s announcement, and added that all any personnel killed in action during the election campaign would not be repatriated, ensuring that the PM and Defence Secretary, ‘Blakey’ Ainsworth, can announce that their war of occupation hasn’t killed anybody ever. A spokesman for the MoD said that though this was the first time, ever, that the British people would not be given information about a war in which British servicemen were losing their voices as well as their lives, it wasn’t about a dishonest, lying, mendacious Government desperately attempting to control the information about a war most of the Electorate don’t want. Honest.

The broadcaster said that cost-cutting work and an increase in its share of a declining advertising market had led to a pre-tax profit of £25m in 2009, compared with a loss of £2.7bn in 2008.

The plan to axe pop mogul Cowell, along with other senior ITV stars, is part of a plan to change programming and achieve additional cost savings under new Chief Executive Adam Crozier, who takes up the role on 26 April.

The new show, ‘The Axe Factor’, will head up ITV’s revised prime-time Saturday schedule. Members of the public will audition for the right to bury a hatchet into Cowell’s face, with a judging panel assessing their efforts for technical merit, depth of penetration, style and distribution of brain matter.

The show’s 12-week run will be fronted by ITV stalwarts Ant and Dec – at least until week 11, when they will also face the axe.

Sources for the troubled channel said that they were considering which other ‘celebrities’ from their stable should face the axe, but added that it was difficult to do so because absolutely everything they produce, ever, is fronted solely by Ant and fucking Dec. However, they confirmed that Louis Walsh, Piers Morgan and anyone who’s been on ‘Dancing on Ice’ or ‘I’m a Celebrity…’ would all be prime material. The BBC have also offered Jonathan Ross and Alan Carr.

Former ‘I’m A Celebrity…’ winner and celebrity slut Katie Price said that she would welcome the chance to appear on the new programme, as it’s nowhere near the first time she’ll have taken a chopper in the face.

The announcement follows a statement from US Secretary of State Hilary Thyroid-Imbalance that the United States would assist in the ongoing territorial dispute between the UK and Argentina over the Falkland Islands.

Speaking as she met Argentine President Cristina Fernandez, Mrs Thyroid-Imbalance said, “wWe would like to see Argentina and the UK sit down and resolve the issues between them in a peaceful and productive way.”

Mr Millipede said, “we welcome the offer from the United States. However, in return for their offer to get involved in mediation about handing over British territory – territory that is, I should add, British by the choice of its occupants – we would like to offer our services in a similar vein. For example, Alaska was purchased from the Russians for an absurdly cheap price. Obviously the United States views this land as their territory, yet it could be said that Russia has a valid claim. Therefore, the UK stands ready to mediate in negotiations with Russia for the return of this oil-rich land.

“Additionally, We are more than willing to assist in negotiations between Canada and the US over Machias Seal Island, the Northwest Passage and the Strait of Juan de Fuca.”

Mr Millipede added, “alternatively, the Secretary of State could realise that we have managed this issue perfectly well before without the assistance of the world’s policeman, and she might like to keep her pointy proboscis well and truly out of British affairs and British territory.”

I am not real.

And, if you are reading this, then congratulations. You are not real either. You don’t exist, except in your own imagination.

Look around you. Look at the person next to you. Your co-worker, your wife, your child. They’re not real. They don’t exist.

We don’t exist, because Labour have decided we don’t exist.

When the GP told me I would have ‘a significant wait’ to get a referral for my hip problems, he and his words did not exist. The same is true for my mother, while she awaits referral and scheduling for major surgery. And the hundreds who died needlessly in Mid-Staffs NHS Trust and at Basildon – they didn’t exist either.

We do not exist because Labour’s statistics have decided that we don’t. Their carefully-crafted numbers tell them that it can’t possibly be happening. Their targets don’t reflect the real needs of real people in the real world, so we are statistical anomalies, who can safely be ignored. So we don’t exist.

When my friend gets burgled. When an elderly couple are burned alive in their own home. When a popular local shopkeeper is murdered, when a victim of crime cannot get his property back due to health-and-safety risks, we don’t exist.

We do not exist because Labour’s crime figures, carefully calculated and with enormously detailed specifications as to what constitutes a reportable crime, say that offending is at its lowest since records began. Therefore, the crime we see – the yobs, the antisocial behaviour and so on – are all Tory lies to decry the socialist Utopia in which we reside. In their statistical world there is no crime. Crime does not exist, so those who are victims of it do not exist either.

When the pound collapses, when the debt is unmanageable, when our bonds are junk and when the Government are the first in the reign of our Monarch to preside over a FALL in GDP – we do not exist.

We do not exist, because in the statistics of the Government we are only numbers on a balance sheet. For them the numbers are not real either – simply shadows, virtual values to be manipulated, massaged and concealed at will. We are the little sheep who unbleatingly pay the cost, thus we do not exist.

This Regime (as I’ve said before, I find it hard to credit them with the name ‘Government’) no longer see us as people, if they ever did. We are the numerals on the latest set of exquisitely-engineered statistics they use to confound us, and to convince themselves that they are justified in their grip on power.

A million people didn’t exist when they demonstrated against the Iraq War. Their plans for electoral reform will ensure that the votes of millions don’t exist when the next Election comes around.

For the Labour Party, there are only two types of people who exist. Those in the Parliamentary Labour Party, and those who fund the Parliamentary Labour Party. They care solely about their own power – they don’t care about the people. We don’t exist.

I don’t know about you, but I do exist. And so do those I care about. And I don’t want my child burdened with a debt created by a Regime that don’t care that he exists. I don’t want him educated by a system that cares more for statistics than education. I don’t want him treated in hospital by an NHS that prioritises surveys more highly than sickness.

I want my voice to be heard, and real change to be made.

I want a Conservative Government.

And if you exist, so should you.

Lord Ashcroft, who is also the vice-chairman of the Party, said that he pays income tax on his earnings in the UK, but not on earnings elsewhere. However, he indicated that he will give up his non-domiciled status and bring all his financial affairs within the UK tax system if the Conservatives win power.

The announcement brought an immediate response from Labour activists, who have been challenging the Tory peer to make his status public for some time.

Speaking through an interpreter, former Deputy PM John Prescott said, “this is indisputabubbly the most importarantant of, and let me make this clear, definitely, as I said before, and in no uncertain terms, as I was saying, that he’s a non-dom, let me finish, and much more importantly it is induspitabubble that, and let me be clear, as I believe I’ve said before, the nasty Tories would have someone who, and let me clarificable thisthuswise, would not pay or in the, no, you’ve had your say let me have mine, in the UK. Which I think makes things very clear.”

Other Labour sources also attacked Lord Ashcroft’s non-dom status. Communities Secretary John Denham waded into the debate, saying, “it is totally wrong that a non-dom should make payments to the Conservative Party. That money will be spent on the nasty things the ‘nasty party’ want to achieve, like election campaigning and beating us, which is nasty.”

Mr Denham admitted that the Labour Party also relied on several non-domiciled donors including Sir Christopher Ondaatje (£1.7m), Lakshmi Mittal (£4.125m), Sir Ronals Cohen (£2.55m) and several others. However, he added, “non-dom donors to the Labour Party are totally different to non-dom donors to the Tories because . . .er . . .um . . give me a second . . .our non-doms only donate nice money to nice things. Honest. Like charitable funds for kittens, support for social development like Gordon Brown’s leadership campaign* and Hazel Blears**, and other nice things. Like trades unions. No, not Unions. Oh, bugger.”

I should confess, this post is on a subject about which I know little, and cherish my ignorance, so if I’m being utterly cretinous bear with me.

Football.

As far as I’m concerned football is 22 overpaid, over-hyped, extravagantly-coiffed and unimportant prima-donnas kicking an inflated pigs bladder around a field, occasionally putting it in a big net box and sometimes falling over clutching their faces if another prima donna gets within fifteen feet of them. Oh, and spitting. And swearing at the poor sod refereeing.

But despite that, I’m conscious that there are many deluded souls for whom this dire little pastime is more important than life itself. I’m also dimly aware that later this year, 352 of said overpaid, over-hyped prima donnas will be kicking their pig’s bladder around fields in South Africa.

And of course, England will be taking a team of prima donnas, and an even larger team of violent drunks*, to South Africa where, in the face of rampant expectation, we will lose embarrassingly.

And in the midst of all the news of a collapsing economy, death and destruction, global warming/cooling/changing/whatever gets funding, bullying Prime Ministers, starving children, earthquakes in Haiti and Chile and whichever pointless sleb is getting her latest divorce, the thing most exercising the TV News is which overpaid, overhyped prima-donna stays in the England team – the philanderer, or the cuckold?

Let’s look at this from a management perspective, if this happened with ‘ordinary people’ in your employ. If the impropriety of one of your members of staff led to a complete breakdown of trust within the team, would you accept the loss of another senior team member – the wounded party in the piece – or get rid of the one who caused the problem in the first place?

I know which I would do.

But the far, far more important question is this: who really, with everything else that’s going on in the world, thinks that this is a matter of national import? Is a handshake really, honestly more important than the second-worst ’shake’ on record, in which over 700 people are believed to have perished?

So, news organisations: grow up, and get a grip on the real priorities, or I shall be forced to remind you of the spectacular triviality of football and footballists by setting you on fire.

The Office of National Statistics, releasing its first revision to the figures for the last quarter of 2009, said that it was believed the UK economy had grown by 0.3% rather than the 0.1% previously published. The true figures are expected to be released after the Election, when the PM won’t be beating up ONS staff to get his own way.

The increase has been put down to stronger growth than expected in services and manufacturing, and is nothing at all to do with a weak pound. Honest.

Announcing the figures and wearing a laurel wreath, Prime Minister And Saviour of the World Gordon ‘Colostomy’ Brown said, “this is a marvelous day. I am delighted that these figures, fully justifying my economic genius in printing eleventy-billion extra pounds of money.

“The figures released today show the strong, vibrant growth that can be expected of a Labour Government. In fact, when you look at it through the eyes of a Labour economist, this is in fact growth far in excess of any other country not just in the Eurozone, nor in the G7, but in fact the world. 0.3 is three times more than 0.1, so I can say we’ve had 300% growth over estimates.300% growth is not to be underestimated.”

While the BBC have confirmed the figure of 300% growth and lauded the great leadership of the Fiscal Genius Gordon, other sources have pointed out the potential impact of rising inflation on future figures, and that the UK is still at high risk of a ‘double-dip’ recession. However, the PM rejected the suggestion as ‘talking down Britain’ and ‘factionism’, and insisted that any return to recession would be after the election and thus the fault of the Tories.

The IMF have responded cautiously to the news that the UK is slightly less wrecked than was originally reported. Lotta Cashcountin, Senior Analyst at the IMF, said, “this is possibly good news, but to early to tell. However, we are tentatively upgrading the UK’s status from ‘Totally Fucked’ to ‘Almost Completely Buggered’, and will keep the situation under review and a truckload of cash on standby for when they finally do collapse.”

The report, by Dr Linda Papadopoulos, says that there is a clear link between sexualised imagery and violence towards females. Children were being exposed to the imagery through the growth of lads’ mags, music videos and big-name fashion brands. The result, she said, was that boys were fixating on being macho and dominant, while girls in turn presented themselves as sexually available and permissive.

Dr Papadopolous said, “sexualisation must be accepted as harmful, and we must do something about it. Won’t somebody please think of the children?”

The report conducted exhaustive research into the issue of child sexualisation, with Dr Papadopoulos surveying childcare experts, Government lobbyists, Internet censorship pressure groups and Guardian readers.

She strongly rejected suggestions that the best way to deal with the problem was responsible parents teaching their kids by good example and instilling self-esteem, saying, “it’s a ridiculous idea. Everyone knows that the only people who are responsible enough to raise children properly are Government, and people who write books about raising children. Nobody else knows anything.”

Dr Papadopoulos has made 36 recommendations, including the banning of all music, video games and advertising which may be viewed by children. She said, “while this may seem draconian, we cannot guarantee that music and games which may be intended for an audience of older teenagers will not be viewed by younger children – and we have to think of the children.”

The report has also recommended the removal of all sexualised images from the Internet, and the blocking of any site which supports anything other than a Government-defined positive body image. When advised that this would require a massive degree of censorship, Dr Papadopoulos insisted that it was necessary to protect the children.

Dr Papadopoulos also called for the banning of older brothers, saying, “our research shows that young boys may gain access to adult material possessed by an older sibling. Therefore, it is right that this access be banned by the removal of potentially-harmful older male influences from the home.”

Reports that the underwear section of the Littlewoods catalogue – where many boys of a certain age made their first tentative discoveries of the female form – is also to be banned, remain unconfirmed.

The Government has welcomed the report, saying that they were considering further legislation to protect children including the banning of all adult contact with children and restrictions on clothing. A spokesman for the Ministry of Childrun, Edyucayshun & Famblies said that representations on child protection from Taliban, Amish and 17th-Century Puritan groups were being considered as part of a wider consultation exercise.

Minister for Misandry Harridan Harperson also welcomed the report, saying, “anything that takes responsibility away from parents and into the hands of Government legislation is a good thing. And anyway, I know it’s all the fault of males. These initial recommendations will do until we can find a way to ban teenage boys completely.”

The news came in the wake of an announcement by Manchester City cuckold Wayne Bridge that he would not be making himself available for England selection following the sex scandal involving former England teammate John Terry.

Bridge’s withdrawal comes on top of a number of other key players becoming unavailable:

- Ashley Cole is unavailable following a broken ankle;
- Rio Ferdinand has a back problem;
- John Terry has a date with Fabio Capello’s wife;
- David Beckham will be tied up with his hairdresser for the duration of the World Cup.

Further squad problems are expected as well, with Steven Gerrard awaiting sentencing, Michael Owen suffering from a zimmer strain and administrative problems getting Wayne Rooney to Africa because of Animal Transportation legislation.

A spokesman for Fabio Capello admitted that the lack of available players was ‘a serious crisis’ in the approach to the World Cup, but insisted that Capello’s radical new selection approach would ensure England had an adequate squad to take to Johannesburg.

Under the new scheme, selection will be made by way of 22 ‘Golden Tickets’ hidden in items commonly purchased by football fans, including six-packs of Stella, packets of Durex and Sky Sports mailings. Finders of the tickets will then be subject to an exhaustive selection process and, if they have a British passport and have played at least one game of five-a-side since primary school, will be given a place in the squad.

Sources within the Football Association defended the scheme, pointing out that it couldn’t lead to performances any worse than those of an official England team in the last 34 years.